Starting over….
It’s been almost a year and a half since my mom passed away
and I started my downward spiral into eating unhealthy and at times too much; well
who am I kidding by saying “at times”. I
turned to food because I could no longer have my mom. I did that growing up too, the more sick she
became, the more I ate. I used food for
comfort that I could not get from my mom.
It started all over the day that she passed. I was on Weight Watchers for 14 months and
had lost almost 73lbs. The day that she
died I walked away from it. I went back
to the one thing I told myself that I never needed to do again. When I started weight watchers before we had
just put my mom into the nursing home and I finally felt like I could focus on
myself. I didn’t need to worry about her
because she was getting the care that she needed. I was at a good place in life, a good
mindset. It’s amazing how in an instance
things can change. I was lost without her;
I didn’t know how I was going to make it through. I started the downward spiral and pretending
I was ok. I prayed that I had fooled
people, but I didn’t. It didn’t work, I
could see the concern on people’s faces; not sure what to say to me or how to
make me feel better. I who love working
with kids; couldn’t even find the enjoyment in that. I felt like I was a hypocrite, teaching
Sunday school telling the kids that God loves everyone, but wasn’t quite sure I
believed it. I know I needed help, so I
asked a very close person to me for a reference for a counselor. I gave the counselor the call and she said
that she would see me.
I never wanted to see a counselor because I thought you had
to be “crazy” to see one. Well I was
crazy, I needed the help, and I needed to find God again. I was happy she believed in God, she helped
me see that even though I had a lot of anger towards God, he never stopped
loving for me. He never stopped walking
beside me and holding me. At one point
she had me pretend that God was sitting in a chair across from me and she told
me to tell Him just exactly how I felt.
After I yelled and cried and bared my soul to Him she had me go into
praying and ask Him for forgiveness for yelling at Him. She said that God could take anything I had to
throw at Him, and no matter what He still loved me. He forgave me, He understood how I was
feeling and I believe that I became closer to Him. I felt like I didn’t need to hide from him
anymore (it’s not like I could hide from Him anyway), but I knew that no matter
what I told Him, He still loved me! He
sent His son to die for me, for me; a girl who fought with Him, who sinned
against Him, who yelled at Him. Yet He
still sent His son to the cross for ME! There are times where Satan still tries
to pull on my ropes and pokes me into trying to believe that God doesn’t love
me, but I am not fooled. I know that war
will always go on, but I know God has my back.
I know it was meant for me to see her because she told me one session
that I was the last client that she was taking on for the summer and that she
had a big waiting list for people to see her.
I believe God wanted me to be there at that time to get the help I needed,
and she was the only one that could do it.
Otherwise if she has so many other clients that wanted to see her, why
would she have chosen me?
With all of this being said, I have picked back up Weight
Watchers. I am not so keen on the new
program, but I am willing to give it a try.
I have gained all the weight that I lost plus some. I am disappointed in myself for letting it
happen, but when your mind isn’t in the right spot it’s hard to focus on what
needs to be done. I know I had all of
you to support me before, and I know I have all of you to support me
again. Please pray for me daily as this
is not going to be easy, but I know with God, family, and friends on my side it
is possible.
