Starting over...

Starting over….

It’s been almost a year and a half since my mom passed away and I started my downward spiral into eating unhealthy and at times too much; well who am I kidding by saying “at times”.  I turned to food because I could no longer have my mom.  I did that growing up too, the more sick she became, the more I ate.  I used food for comfort that I could not get from my mom.  It started all over the day that she passed.  I was on Weight Watchers for 14 months and had lost almost 73lbs.  The day that she died I walked away from it.  I went back to the one thing I told myself that I never needed to do again.  When I started weight watchers before we had just put my mom into the nursing home and I finally felt like I could focus on myself.  I didn’t need to worry about her because she was getting the care that she needed.  I was at a good place in life, a good mindset.  It’s amazing how in an instance things can change.  I was lost without her; I didn’t know how I was going to make it through.  I started the downward spiral and pretending I was ok.  I prayed that I had fooled people, but I didn’t.  It didn’t work, I could see the concern on people’s faces; not sure what to say to me or how to make me feel better.  I who love working with kids; couldn’t even find the enjoyment in that.  I felt like I was a hypocrite, teaching Sunday school telling the kids that God loves everyone, but wasn’t quite sure I believed it.  I know I needed help, so I asked a very close person to me for a reference for a counselor.  I gave the counselor the call and she said that she would see me. 

I never wanted to see a counselor because I thought you had to be “crazy” to see one.  Well I was crazy, I needed the help, and I needed to find God again.  I was happy she believed in God, she helped me see that even though I had a lot of anger towards God, he never stopped loving for me.  He never stopped walking beside me and holding me.  At one point she had me pretend that God was sitting in a chair across from me and she told me to tell Him just exactly how I felt.  After I yelled and cried and bared my soul to Him she had me go into praying and ask Him for forgiveness for yelling at Him.  She said that God could take anything I had to throw at Him, and no matter what He still loved me.  He forgave me, He understood how I was feeling and I believe that I became closer to Him.  I felt like I didn’t need to hide from him anymore (it’s not like I could hide from Him anyway), but I knew that no matter what I told Him, He still loved me!  He sent His son to die for me, for me; a girl who fought with Him, who sinned against Him, who yelled at Him.  Yet He still sent His son to the cross for ME! There are times where Satan still tries to pull on my ropes and pokes me into trying to believe that God doesn’t love me, but I am not fooled.  I know that war will always go on, but I know God has my back.  I know it was meant for me to see her because she told me one session that I was the last client that she was taking on for the summer and that she had a big waiting list for people to see her.  I believe God wanted me to be there at that time to get the help I needed, and she was the only one that could do it.  Otherwise if she has so many other clients that wanted to see her, why would she have chosen me?

With all of this being said, I have picked back up Weight Watchers.  I am not so keen on the new program, but I am willing to give it a try.  I have gained all the weight that I lost plus some.  I am disappointed in myself for letting it happen, but when your mind isn’t in the right spot it’s hard to focus on what needs to be done.  I know I had all of you to support me before, and I know I have all of you to support me again.  Please pray for me daily as this is not going to be easy, but I know with God, family, and friends on my side it is possible.